My Weight--My Journey

Week 1

My brother and I at his graduation ~2007

 I can never remember a time when I wasn't a big girl. I really can't. Oh, I have seen a picture (I'll give myself credit, so, maybe 2), where I was a normal sized little girl, but I don't remember it. In my mind, I have always been "a big girl".

As a child, my mother used to always criticize my me for my weight. Well, that's how I felt. She wasn't actually criticizing me. She was expressing her concern for me, knowing the hazards and issues of excessive weight gain.  I wasn't as big as some of the children that I see walking around today, but for my age, around 12-14, I was too big. As a teenager, the smallest size that I even remember being is a size 16. My mother used to tell me various things to do and to eat, and looking back, I see that I was too sensitive to the concern that she was showing me. I didn't look at her critiques as coming from a positive, loving mother whom only wanted the best for her child. I saw her as the enemy, attacking "daddy's little girl", and even enlisted my father in the battle about my weight. I remember he used to tell my mother to "leave my baby alone. She'll lose weight when she's ready. I love her just the way she is" and "she's still my baby". Those words soothed my bruised ego, but it did nothing for the most pressing issue that was at hand: my weight. My mother was right, and I should have started to do something THEN.

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not that I haven't tried to lose weight, even as a teen. I've tried dieting, using  Dexatrim, SlimFast, etc. However, in order for any of these things to be even minutely effective, there requires some dedication on the part of the person wishing to lose weight. I don't ever think that I was dedicated to the idea of losing weight. As a matter of fact,  I don't think that I've actually been dedicated to anything, and as I look back over my life, I realize that this is a common theme (but that's another story--another day, another blog entry). So, rather than losing weight, over time, I just continued to gain...and gain...and gain. When I said, "I'll never go past an size 16", then became, "I'll never allow myself to go past an 18"...and I kept getting bigger. Don't get it twisted: I wasn't just a couch potato. I played basketball, kickball, baseball, and dodgeball with my friends almost every day, but my playtime was never enough to exceed the calories that I packed on with my diet of french fries, pork, and sugary sweets.

So why am I blogging about this? I want to share my story, both as a warning, and as motivation to others.  Many people have no idea as to why they rarely see me make public appearances. Why am I at home so much? Why do I have limited contact with people that I've known and love for years? It's because every day, EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF EACH AND EVERY DAY, I am in pain. I joined Zumba last year, something that I came to love, but because of the pain, I had to quit. Sometimes it's not so rough, most times it's unbearable, and it stems from the arthritis that has afflicted my body, particularly situating itself in my knees and my hips. It is extremely hard for me to stand, especially after being in a sitting position for more than a few minutes, because my joints stiffen.  Once I stand, it takes a few minutes for the stiffness to ease, so I'm still walking like a bowlegged robot when I begin to take steps. There are times that I wait until the last minute to even use the restroom, because I fear the pain of standing and walking. I have no energy. I'm always tired. No, scratch that. Because of the pain and the weight that I'm carrying on my joints, I'm always EXHAUSTED. One knee is constantly inflamed, and I have little flexibility in it, so to relieve myself of the pain, I'm always in bed. I'm not ashamed of myself, I am ashamed FOR myself, for ever having allowed myself to get to this point. This is why I have withdrawn from not just society, but it feels like I have withdrawn from the life that God wants me to have. BUT THE BUCK STOPS HERE!!!!!

I am the mother of an 11-year-old and a 3-year-old, and they both have energy levels out of the roof! How can I begin to keep up with them? How can I begin to meet the demands of being a mother, and a wife? I don't even attend church the way that I would like, because of the exhaustion and the pain. THE BUCK STOPS HERE! I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE, ONE DAY, ONE POUND, AT A TIME. I have joined a gym, and I've worked out there 3 times already. I can only do the treadmill right now, because of the joint pain. In addition, because I am in so much pain, I am considering my doctor's recommendation for gastric bypass surgery. I am only considering this now, because even though I am working out, I don't know how much my joints can take, at my current weight. I am vowing to eat better, to eat healthier, so that I can release my "inner freak". I know she's in there, I've just got to find her...

This is the beginning of my journey to a new and healthier body. And on this journey, I plan on finding something else: me.


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